Keegan Finch-- True Story.

This is a good one. It's a personal e-mail sent to me by my college sorority sister Keegan about a mess she got herself into one evening after work. Read and enjoy, this is classic.


ok, so here goes..... this happened to me yesterday evening....I was driving home from work yesterday, minding my own business, jammin out to the twilight cd. 5 o'clock in new york, on the thruway, you're bound to hit some traffic. Red lights ahead, i start slowing down. I am at a complete stop, with about a cars length of space between me, and the brandy new BMW in front of me. Out of habit from my many many previous accidents, I always check my rear view mirror, to make sure the idiot in back of me is aware that I am stopped. Long story short, I hear the screeching brakes, followed by a smash.Now keep in mind, my last accident, where I smashed into someone, my insurance agency told me that if they didn't drop my mother and I from their policy this time, all it would take was another ticket, or accident or even a call to them to have them drop us for good. (Not to mention I pay $510 A MONTH for insurance right now.)Before I even get out of the car to survey the damage, I calmly call the State Troopers, (who I now know by name) to report a minor accident, and have someone come meet us to do the accident report.I then descend from the vehicle.As i walk around to the back of the car, I am delighted to see that the bumper is not hanging off, nor smashed in! There is merely a white scratch that looks like it may be able to be buffed out by a talented mechanic. I hear the sound of a creaky door opening behind me. I turn around, fully ready to greet some good American blue collar citizen. How about a "Joe McGinnis" or a "Tony Maltisanto." Even a "Jeremiah Goldstein" would do, but to my surprise, I see Tito, Juan, Carlos, Javier, Paco, Raul, Esteban, Marco, Silvio, y Filipo climb out of the car, none standing over 5 feet tall.None speaking english.I hear "Senora, Senora!!!! Habla con mi hermano, El Habla Ingles!!!" I'm guessing I am about to talk to Javier's brother, Ricardo, So i take the phone from the little man, and start listening."Senora, PLEASE don't call the cops, I beg you!!!!!" so i told him, "are you asking me not to call the cops, because you are all illegal immigrants, and have no license or insurance???""No, no chica, we have all that i promise. But we pay you cash!! however much you want to not call the cops!!"I think about this. It is probably no more than 100$ to buff this scratch out, but I play it up."Listen Ricardo, I already called the cops. Let me call my mechanic, and find out how much a new bumper costs for a mercedes, and I'll have Jav call you back."I get in my car, close the door, and call my mechanic. ( Who has recently been indicted for insurance fraud…..)He tells me to get $600 from them, because I will need a new bumper, and they cost $500 for mercedes. So, I get back outta the car, Call Ricardo from Jav's phone, and tell him i need 600 pronto, or I have the troopers deport them all. They agree, and tell me that I have to follow them up to their home in newburgh to collect my money.I am standing on the side of the road at this point, listening to honking,a nd swearing for being the cause of this traffic jam. I also forgot to mention that the wind was blowing viciously hard, and my skirt wound up around my head a few times, exposing myself to approximately 6,000 eager motorists. I was wearing a thong.Now, If you know newburgh (home sweet home) you know that there is probably a gang shooting, or slashing every 4 hours. I am NOT about to drive in my work skirt and low cut shirt, and loreal dyed hair, and go through this ghetto with a bunch of mexicans who are "giving me 600$" yeah right.at this point, the cop shows up. The mexicans start sweating. I can smell their fear. (It smelled like onions.)The officer (who's shift ends in 20 minutes, and REALLY doesn't want to have to go through the paper work of deporting aliens, and car accidents, and lack of licenses or insurance, or manners for that fact) tells me, "look, theres really no damage, are you sure you want to go through your insurance??" Well judging on my current insurance situation, I think we all agree it's smart to keep Cindy at Dewitt Insurance out of the loop.I glance over at the seven dwarfs, who are anxiously shaking their heads no, pleading. My heart grew four sizes, and I said "ya know what officer? I don't think I would like to report this."The officer leaves, and I stalk over to Javier's window and shouted at him"YOU GET TO STAY IN AMERICA, THEREFORE I GET MY $600! I AM FOLLOWING YOU!"White van full of illegal's pulls out with flashers on, I follow suit. We continue on this drive for 45 miles north, doing 40 mph. flashers on. At this point, I have woken brendan up, and told him- "bring your gun- bring your badge, get in your car NOW and meet me at the Newburgh exit!"he catches up to me (not hard to do) somewhere on the NYS Thruway. During the drive, I am laughing so uncontrollably hard, when I realized that this sort of stuff would ONLY happen to me, and happen often. I call Carly, who offers ZERO emotional support, because she too, is laughing incontrollably. She conferences Vicki in, who is brought to tears as well. We get off the exit, and follow them into a gas station parking lot, where the whole Martinez, Diaz, Sanchez and Sandoval families are waiting (all crammed into one van.)I get out of the car, as well as ricardo (Javier's bro). He surveys the damage, and says to me "I will give you $100, not a penny more. There is not a lot of damage. It shouldn't cost you much." At this point, I am spitting fire. I said, and I quote:"You little mother f'er. I have the troopers phone number, and I will call him so fast and have you fucking deported if you dont give me my 600$ so help me god. You want to mess with me? i will call your "insurance" agency and see what they have to say."They laugh. Fortunately "hahaha" is universal, and I had no problem translating.Brendan, who heard everything steps out of the car, gun in holster, badge in hand. He says:"Spring Valley Police. Stay where you are. Get out your licenses."They start freaking out. He says "Exactly what I thought, you don't have any. I deal with illegal immigrants everyday, and have them deported every day. You like America? Give the woman her $600. NOW."Ricardo digs into his wallet, and pulls out 6 $100 dollar bills. I accept it, and drive away. just a day in the life.

-Keegan Finch